How did I get here?

For the past few years I've been exploring the idea of self discovery because I've surrounded myself with people who do the same. It's made me curious as to why I make the decisions I do, and why I struggle with self esteem. We aren't born with low self-esteem; it's a learned behavior as a result of traumatic situations, poor relationships, or being raised in an environment in which we aren't taught how to be confident. I've tried many times to pin-point exactly when I lost confidence in myself. Was it my parents divorce at 9, when I didn't understand why I wasn't enough for them to overcome their differences to keep our family whole? Was it when my dad moved out of state at 14, when I felt he was choosing to care for his mother over his own daughters? Or was it at 19, when I was left alone and pregnant to raise a child when I was still a child myself and everything was out of my control? I honestly feel like I coped with all of those things very well in the moment. However, trauma has a wonderful way of suppressing itself until the least convenient time.

I've actually done enough self exploration to determine that, while those major life changes had an influence on who I am today, I've also learned they were out of my control and who I am as a person didn't influence them to happen. There have been times where I felt like I had a right to certain conveniences of life, and because of the family dynamics of my childhood I've been deprived of those rights. Why didn't I have parents who would drop what they were doing at the drop of a hat to help me? But that mentality only gets you so far. We deserve nothing in this world, even from our parents.

The biggest contributing factor to the decrease in my confidence is my career. What?! How can a daisy nurse have NO confidence? How can you have almost 10 years of ER experience and still feel so out of place? Well, let me explain.

See, the general, non-healthcare layperson has very little understanding on what happens inside those walls of a hospital. There's no Gray's Anatomy revelations happening there. No lifesaving treatment found just-in-the-knick-of-time. No, what I do is a lot more dark and dirty than on TV. I care for people on the worst days of their lives. I see people in ways you never want to see your mothers/fathers/sisters/brothers/children. I help people when they think they have no reason left to live. I've met children who are more stoic than any adult I've seen, just because of the upbringing they've been forced to endure. I've held hands of patients who were dying because they had no other family. I've been yelled at, cussed at, belittled, and even physically assaulted by patients. And I'm expected to show up to work the next day, smile on my face, and serve the people. I plan to dive into this in further posts, but this is a problem. What healthcare workers endure is traumatic, and it's not talked about. We are not taught how to cope. This has had the biggest impact on who I am today.

There you have it, folks. If you've met me you may know me to be quiet and non-confrontational. Maybe even a little aloof. But let me assure you, there's more to Chelsey than you assume. Think about what I've said above the next time you judge someone for their behaviors or personality.