Why I started a blog

I have been tossing around the idea of journaling my life for a while now. Not necessarily directed at an audience, but to put my feelings in physical form to see if I can better understand my emotions and decisions. You see, I'm very good at putting a front up of seeming like I have it all together. I can manage on the day to day - I have a great career, the best kids I could've hoped for, an amazing husband, and the perfect home for my family. I have "the American dream". Everything to be thankful for. So why do I feel so unsatisfied at times?

I'm actually pretty annoyed reading my own writing. When I reflect as to why this is, I imagine it's because I don't feel like I have a right to feel unhappy in this blessed life I have. I need to feel grateful for what I've been given. How dare I have any negative feelings about myself?! Look at what I've accomplished! But comparing my life to this picture I've got in my head of the 'ideal' life is really only hurting myself. The way I feel is valid, and there is no 'ideal' life. Now I'm opening a can of worms that I don't want to tackle in my first blog post.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty lucky gal. I've been led down a path of self discovery and what I've learned is hard. We don't like to do hard things. We like easy-peasy, we like order, we tend to stray from the risky side. Through many thoughtful conversations and a lot of research I've come to learn that there is a fine line between order and risk. We are not meant to live comfortably! As human beings we learn in situations which force us out of our comfort zones.

Take, for instance, the travel nursing assignment I'm in currently. I was scared shitless when quitting my stable job of 6 years where I had climbed the ladder and earned respect of many people. I was comfortable there; I knew the people, process and expectations. But I wasn't growing. I had come to resent the leaders and blame them for my unhappiness. I had pointed the finger at my coworkers, expecting them to have the same work ethic as me and be as invested in themselves as I was. I realized this was not realistic only after leaving my home base and venturing into the unknown. We are not all the same! Where I strive in life, in certain characteristics of myself as a person, and fall short in other aspects, is where someone who's opposite of me fills in the gaps. All of our differences make us function as a whole, happy society. It's only when we all accept this that we can live cohessively as a group.

See what I did there? I really went off on a tangent. But this is my blog post which I may or may not make public. And if I make it public, maybe you will read this and think "Man, she makes no sense but I can agree with some of these ideas". Or maybe you think I'm insane and disagree wholeheartedly. Whatever the case may be, these are my words and thoughts so they're not wrong. You're wrong for judging those who have different ideas than yours. But to consider an idea that is not in align with your beliefs is what makes people intelligent, interesting, and real. So think about that the next time you read a post on social media that doesn't fit your agenda.

Maybe I'll do this again.